Our new back yard:
A park with a path that goes to a bike trail that goes along the river, and another path that goes down to the river. It's beautiful. Really beautiful. My crappy camera does not do it justice at all.
Moving is, oh my god, so stressful - especially with a two year old, who is very cute, but most decidedly, a full time job on it's own. I remember looking through baby registries when I was pregnant and thinking, "Oh my gosh, why would anyone need a toilet lock, for example! It's not like I'm going to be lying around doing heroin - I'm going to be there to watch him - all of this plastic crap must just be another marketing scam to get Americans to spend money on things that no one actually needs." Some of that was true, but I also found out how, to my utter amazement, how quickly Toby could chuck a toy train into the toilet, of pee, because Oliver doesn't always flush, and I had to go after it so it didn't get stuck in the plumbing. We broke down and bought a toilet lock - and it worked for maybe a month, until Toby figured out how to break it. And, while we are on the subject of pee, Mom's have to pee. One day, when I was using the toilet, Toby pushed one of our chairs up to the kitchen counter. He climbed up the chair onto the counter, used the toaster as another stepping stool, climbed on to the top of the refrigerator where my husband keeps his diabetes supplies, and when I came out of the bathroom I found him, on top of our refrigerator tossing hypodermic needles around like confetti. He figured out the buckles on his car seat, and that he can get out of his car seat if he wants to, while we are driving. He has also learned that mom has the rear view mirror at an odd angle so I can watch the cars behind me, and keep an eye out for toddler escape artists - and if he does undo the car seat I pull over immediately and freak out. So he usually only pulls this trick on special occasions - but I just never know when that's going to be.
It's a stressful job.
When he is awake, I find it very difficult to do anything else but take care of him, and keep him out of trouble. Oliver just took him out for donuts so I have a few extra minutes to myself this morning to tell you about all this.
The marines say that it's "the toughest job you'll ever love," and I don't know what it's like to be a marine, but I definitely feel that way about being a mom.
Now I am also blessed with being an aunt. My brother's wife gave birth to a baby girl this week. I wanted to go down to see them, but she was born with a heart condition and my brother says he just wants to be left alone. My feelings are hurt, especially since my mom went on about how everyone was there except me and Laurie's brother, who couldn't be there because he was in jail - and so, when my mom told me they didn't want me to come, it sucked - but having a baby is totally overwhelming, even when everything is text book normal, it's overwhelming. I'm trying not to take it personally - and, if you know me at all, you know I don't do that too well.
It's been a really emotional week.
I keep thinking of this quote I read once about postpartum depression, I forget who said it and I'm probably going to butcher it in the paraphrasing but, "having a baby is like getting the best gift you have ever gotten in your life, AND having Santa kick the ever loving shit out of you until you are an inch from your death." I had a really difficult pregnancy, labor, and emergency c-section, so I really relate to that sentiment. My son is the best thing in the world and having him, and continuing to raise him has been the hardest challenge I have ever faced.
The hardest job I have ever had, the deepest love I have ever felt, and the most rewarding thing I have ever done, and am blessed to continue to do each day.
I am also really, really stressed out, crying a lot, and sometimes in front of my son which I HATE, hate doing - and feel terribly guilty about, and getting migraines, etc. It was really nice to have my mother-in-law Louise, watch Toby yesterday - and it is really nice to have Oliver take him out for donuts this morning. And it will be such a relief to get through moving, and all the stress and drama of the holidays, I know, "Bah Humbug," - because then we get to welcome a new year, in a new apartment, in a new city; the city of trees, on the river, in our state's capital - Sacramento.
